Smoking Scared In The Morning
by jesuisnique
Summary: Smoking isn't smart or healthy, but neither is Miss Swan, so you can't bring yourself to care too much.


It's gotten to the point where you're sticking your head out of you bedroom window in the middle of the night to smoke, just so you can feel that light headedness that she causes when you're around her.

It's awful, you reflect as you take another long, burning draw of the cancer stick that you're holding loosely between two fingers. It's awful that she has over taken every concious thought of yours. It's awful that she has wedged her way into your mind (and heart, but you'll be damned to the very bottom layer of Hell before you even admit what your battered and fucked heart screams at you when it's 4 in the morning and you can't sleep because your stomach is sore and so is your head and somewhere something in throbbing within your body and it feels like her name is trying to break out of your body and dammit you're fucking scared of everything) like a pickaxe to a rough cliff face.

It's awful, so damn awful, that you can't even breathe properly without her bright (so stupidly bright dammit why are they that green what gives her the right to have eyes like dragons fire) eyes fixed upon your own frightened ones.

You decide, as you blow out a grey smoke that twists this way and that in the night air before it fades into the dull stars above your head, that she's the answer to all your problems and the problem to all your answers (that doesn't quite make sense but hey, when has your actions or thoughts ever made sense why you're around her? When have you ever been able to act rationally, act with a clear directive, act in a way that makes you seem as though you are as well put together as you like everyone to think, when she is near? Never, your little mind sobs to your too big heart, never and it'ssoscarymakeherstopitplease).

Everything is starting to get fuzzy and you've never been as happy as you are now to lose whatever cohesive thought you are capable of because perhaps, and what a terrible perhaps this is, maybe everything will get so fuzzy, so out of focus, that you will stop thinking about her. Perhaps you will be able to breathe without the help of a lit cigarette. Perhaps you will be able to claw your mind back from the dark hole it has decided to hide in, so it won't have to face the reality of her and the simple fact that she exists (because knowing that, knowing that she respires and laughs and screams and bleeds is something that causes a great aching something in your left ventricle and you find yourself all at once happy and sad because even though she exists, it isn't around you or even because of you) and the ramifications of said truth.

There is only a tiny bit left, just enough for one last draw but you're crying now and shaking so you put it out and rest your soresoresore head against the ledge of the window that you flung open only a minute prior.

Everything is happening too fast (too much too fast too soon so stop please) and you're scared out of your mind so you just rest there for a long, long while, wishing that she would come and make everything better.

But she won't.

She's not yours and you're not hers and that's the bitter truth of the bitter life you find yourself living and you're not sure that even the sweetness of her smile will be enough to banish the horrid taste of the broken dreams that cling to the underside of your sharp tongue.

You think, as you stop thinking and welcome the blackness of the only friend you have ever known, that maybe you should just stop this whatever this is and welcome the chaotic anti bliss of her into your bloodstream.

(then again you also thought that smoking at stupid o'clock in the morning would make you feel better and it didn't so if there's one thing you can't trust it's yourself so)

* * *

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

_Regina deserves to be happy ok but since I can't right happy things have a angsty one instead_

_(guess who is really upset and has resorted to throwing her head out of a window to have a smoke)_

_(that's right me yay)_

_(also sorry for not writing anything is ages I've had an awful case of writers block that can only be overcome via turbulent emotions from yours __truly)_

_(also yeah this lady chick girl person thingy follows me on this but I follow her on tumblr and yeah I squeaked when this happened ages ago so yeah)_


End file.
